New Sex Position is Painful?

QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have had sex on numerous occasions. The last time we decided to try a different position which he found quite enjoyable, but I unfortunately, did not. Not only was it initially painful, I also bled during this experience. Is this normal? The pain unfortunately didn't subside either. After intercourse, I moved slightly from the position I was in and was overwhelmed with abdominal pain comparable to the worst cramps/losing my virginity. Also, its been a couple of days since this last rendezvous and it stings somewhat when I urinate and sit down fast. Are these signs of an infection or normal because again, these symptoms are similar to the same occurrences I felt losing my virginity. I would also say they are similar to being scratched. Please help.

ANSWER: I am so sorry to hear that you have been experiencing pain and bleeding resulting from sex with your boyfriend. Many women have had similar experiences, sometimes just once, other times more often, from having sex. However, just because it is not unusual to have discomfort, pain or bleeding from sex does not mean that it is okay, “normal” or that pain during sex should be par from the course. Sex should not hurt – bottom line. When it does hurt, it is always worth checking out.

You might take a look at your genitals to see if you have visible cuts. Sometimes women tear during sex and these cuts can be seen with the naked eye; other times the cuts are very small and would either not be noticeable by most of us (being untrained to see these) but might be visible by a healthcare provider. Other times the cuts are incredibly small, or could be inside the vagina, and may not be easily seen but may certainly be felt.

Often, if the pain and bleeding were as a result of slight tearing during sex, women tend to notice an improvement in their discomfort after a few days – particularly if they avoid anything (like vaginal penetration, whether with fingers, toys, a tampon or a penis) for a few days that might cause further irritation. In the mean time, if you want to be sexual with your partner, you might explore other ways of being sexually intimate together (e.g., kissing, making out, breast touching, sensual massage).

If the pain does not improve, if it hurts even when you are not using the bathroom, if the pain feels like it is still in your abdominal area rather than in your vagina, or if it generally just worries you or feels like something about which you would like a medical opinion, please do check in with a healthcare provider. It is fairly common for women to call their healthcare provider, explain to the nurse that they have had pain and bleeding from sex, and ask to be seen by their healthcare provider as soon as possible. This is not unusual and many women often feel reassured to have a trained healthcare professional take a look at their bodies to make sure that everything seems fine and healthy.

Sometimes after women or men have had an uncomfortable or painful sexual experience, they may feel hesitant to be sexual again with a partner. Consider talking with your boyfriend about what happened and share ideas about how you might try being sexual again with each other in ways that feel good, and how you can relax together and take sex more slowly at first if that’s what feels most comfortable. It is important to become comfortable with each other so that you know you can always tell each other when sex is feeling good, when it hurts, when you need to stop, or when you need to try something else.

A good book to learn about sexual communication is For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy and for more information about safer, pleasurable sex – and how to talk to each other about exploration – you might like reading The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.

Originally published November 7, 2007.

Kinsey Confidential

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what men think is hot

When Is Not-So-Sexy... Oh-So-Sexy?

By Jen Matlack
Check out the surprising truths about what men think is hot when they're
smitten.

When do you feel like your sexiest self? When you're all dolled up, rocking
your little black dress and heels and the perfect lipstick? When you've kicked
butt at work? When you slip into something silky and slinky? We know how good
those all feel, but here's the truth: Getting primped and perfumed — or even
showing a little leg — has nothing to do with what makes your guy really
want you. Yes, at first a man may be drawn in by come-hither cues — a flash of
lace, a glimpse of cleavage. But once his heart is yours for keeps, he has a
totally different idea of what makes you alluring.

"When a man is in love, what he finds really attractive is the feeling
that he's seeing you for who you truly are," explains REDBOOK Love Network
expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married
Women. "To a guy, the makeup, the sexy outfit, it's all a mask. He
wants the woman behind the mask. Openness, vulnerability, an air of contentment
— those things are what really turns him on."

We asked seven women to tell us when they feel most desirable — then got the
scoop from each of their guys on what makes him hot for her. Here, the
sweet, sexy, and surprising answers:

Stilettos and cleavage...or natural beauty?

Angela Betancourt, 30

Rich Betancourt, 38

Married eight months

ANGELA: The irony is that whenever I feel my hottest — say, when I
wear a low-cut blouse and fabulous black stilettos — Rich rarely finds me sexy!
I like to wear super-shiny lip gloss, but Rich thinks it's more sticky than
kissable; and if I stare longingly into his eyes he just thinks I'm being
cheesy. I also feel attractive anytime I'm in candlelight — in fact, I always
light candles in the bedroom. I'm sure Rich wonders why I'm so candle
obsessed.

RICH: I find Angela the most irresistible when she's zoned out on the
couch in front of the TV after a long day at work. She's not wearing any makeup
or jewelry. Everything is stripped away, and she's just totally relaxed. I'll
look over at her beautiful face and think, Wow, this is a great shot. I have
to take a picture. Her natural beauty turns me on much more than when she's
all dolled up.

Sharing private time...or working the room?

Charisse Lombardo-Moore, 38

Salvatore Moore, 35

Married nine years

CHARISSE: I feel sexiest when my husband and I are strongly
connected. We're always close and love each other, but let's face it, after
being together for 15 years, those emotions sometimes get lost in the everyday.
But when we reconnect, it's powerful. For example, we went to Puerto Rico this
year to celebrate my birthday. Every day we went to the beach, where we read
and talked and took long walks. It was so calming and intimate. Later in the
week, on the actual day of my birthday, Sal took me shopping for clothes. By
this time, I felt so great about our marriage — and so incredibly desirable. To
show him how I was feeling, I began modeling sexy bathing suits for him,
something I've never done before. You could feel the sexual tension in the
air!

SALVATORE: I find Charisse most attractive when we are out with a
group of friends and she is sharing a story about a recent experience. She
tells the story with such conviction and passion. Her smile is warm and
generous, and everyone around us is always drawn to her and engrossed by what
she's saying. I feel proud and always have an urge to get close to her. Her
presence brightens any room in a way I can't fully describe. I would bet that
any of the women we spend time with are envious and would give almost anything
to walk just one mile in her shoes.

More on www.webmd.com

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Losing Virginity Later Linked to Sexual Problems

Those Who Have Sex Later, Particularly Men, Seem to Experience More Sexual Dysfunction

By DAN CHILDSABC
News Medical Unit
Nov. 29, 2007

While past research has linked early sexual activity to health problems, a new study suggests that waiting too long to start having sex carries risks of its own.

Those who lose their virginity at a later age -- around 21 to 23 years of age -- tend to be more likely to experience sexual dysfunction problems later, say researchers at Columbia University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute's HIV Center for Clinical and Behavioral Studies.
The study will appear in the January 2008 issue of the American Journal of Public Health.

Men who lose their virginity in their 20s, in particular, seemed to be more likely to experience sexual problems that include difficulty becoming sexually aroused and reaching orgasm.
The increase in sexual problems was also seen in those who had a comparably earlier sexual debut. And the researchers were quick to point out that there isn't enough evidence to say for sure whether waiting to have sex necessarily leads to sexual dysfunction down the road.
"Our results do not allow for causal interpretations," the study authors write.

Rather, they note in the study, there may be factors common to both the delay of sexual activity and the onset of sexual dysfunction -- for example, they write, "[M]en with sexual problems may avoid sexual interactions and consequently start later."

The researchers, who looked at data from the 1996 National Sexual Health Survey, conducted by the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies (CAPS) at the University of California, San Francisco, also found that men and women who begin having sex in their early teens had their share of problems. They were more likely to have risky sexual partners, to contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and to have sex while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
While sexuality experts not affiliated with the study agree that it is too early to draw a direct causal link about those who have sex later in life, they say the research offers some interesting new avenues for learning more about certain sexual problems that may be devastating to long-term relationships.

"Clinically, we see many individuals who marry late and who have had little or no sexual experience have great difficulty with developing a rich and satisfying sexual experience within their relationship," said Eli Coleman, academic chair in sexual health at the University of Minnesota Medical School Program in Human Sexuality.
"Sexual dysfunction is common. Difficulty in consummating the marriage is also a frequent problem," he added.

Sexual Hang-Ups May Have Physiological Effects
Even though the research stops short of indicating a causal relationship between the age at which one loses his or her virginity and sexual problems they may experience later, Coleman said a number of possible factors could contribute to both of these things.
"From a clinical standpoint, there are often dynamics other than the desire to be abstinent until marriage, such as fear of intimacy, body image problems, alcohol and drug abuse, and sexual dysfunction," he said. He adds that these factors "might influence the delay of sexual debut as a means of avoiding sexual issues."

Conditioning that results in shame over sexual expression may also be a factor, said Gina Ogden, a Boston-based sexuality expert and author of "The Heart and Soul of Sex."
"In my sex therapy office I see countless women and men who have received messages about sex that shame them about their sexual feelings and also terrify them about their sexual behavior."

These messages, she said, can differ between men and women.
For women, she said, the message that "good girls" should not engage in or enjoy sex may cause women to shut down sexually, leading to dysfunction.
"One of the many dysfunctions that arises is that women never develop the ability to ask for what they want, which leaves them open for life-long disappointment, desire disorders, orgasmic dysfunction, and worse -- they're ripe for abuse and violence," she said.
For men, the opposite message -- that "real men score" -- may lead to negative mindsets both among those who lose their virginity early and those who become sexually active only later -- mindsets that impact their ability to perform sexually.

Because of the intimate link between the psyche and sexual performance, some sexuality experts say the results of these conditions most likely bring about sexual dysfunction through their psychological impacts.

"There are mostly, if not exclusively, psychological factors at play here, based on poor sexual skills that lead to a poor sexual debut, with lasting negative effects," said Patti Britton, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists and Los Angeles-based author of books including "The Art of Sex Coaching."
Coleman, however, said that biological factors may also be involved.
"There are probably both biological and psychological factors at play -- which cannot be elucidated from this study -- but suggests that further research needs to be conducted to explore those factors," he said.

The Role of Abstinence-Only Education
The researchers say this preliminary evidence may point up detrimental effects of abstinence-only education.
The authors write that the study "lends credence to research showing that abstinence-only education may actually increase health risks," adding that other approaches may better equip young people to avoid both short- and long-term sexual health consequences.
Many sexuality experts agree.

"In my view as a sexuality therapist since the 1970s, the abstinence-only approach is a public health hazard," Ogden said. "Sexual relationship is complex, and the moment of marriage is not a magic marker.

"Instead of making young people pledge 'no' until marriage, we need to be encouraging them to understand their own sexual responses and orientations, learn how to engage in sexual practices that are safe, and acquire intimacy skills that will lead them into caring relationships."

Said Coleman, "While abstinence only programs seem to be helpful in delaying onset of sexual activity, there have been suggestions that this approach could cause more problems when sexual debut takes place due to insufficient preparation and knowledge of responsible sexual behavior. "This study is interesting because it suggests that sexual experimentation is a normal developmental process, and when this process is inhibited or not guided, there can be poor sexual health outcomes."

sources: ABC NEWS

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Sexual Exploration

Ideas on Sexual Discovery and Difference
By Cory Silverberg

On the About.com sexuality site, we cover sex and sexuality, in all its varied, complicated, and exciting forms. People want to know more about sex for all sorts of reasons:

• Learning more about your sexual bodies
• Tips on exploring sexual pleasure
• Understanding sexual diseases and dysfunctions
• Ideas on spicing up long-term relationships
• Support in expressing what feels right with a new partner

Whether you’re looking to learn more on your own or with multiple partners, taking the first step in a new sexual direction can be daunting.

Here are a few important pieces of information, as well as ideas to consider as you move through whatever sort of sexual exploration you’re considering.

Different Kinds of Sex Information
Most information on the sexuality site can be broken down into a few kinds of information:

• Sexual anatomy: the parts of our body that are involved in sexuality
• Sexual response: the ways our body responds to all kinds of sexual stimulation
• Sexual thoughts: from anxieties to fantasies to trauma, our sexual thoughts have a huge impact on our sexuality
• Sexual feelings: the slipperiest part of any equation is our emotional and intuitive responses to sexuality. While not always logical or predictable, these are our responses. We need to understand and, in some way, honor them (which isn’t the same as always letting them guide our decision-making)

You can find a lot more definitions of sexual terms in the Glossary .

We’re All Sexually Different

The problem with generalizing sexuality (which happens on this site, and pretty much everywhere else) is that we’re all different. Take our bodies for example. I might talk about a “typical” sexual response, or how a body part like the nipples might respond. In reality, everyone’s body is different. True, most of us have two eyes, two ears, a nose, etc. But some of us don't, and some of us have two eyes, but can only see out of one of them. Some of us have big noses, and some have little noses. Some of us have taken the body we were born with and changed it, either intentionally or unintentionally.

But when someone with specific knowledge (like a sexual health educator) starts describing our sexual bodies, most of us begin to compare ourselves to what we are being told. This is a terrible mistake. The amazing thing about sex and people is that we’re all unique. Our sexual feelings, interests, desires, and body parts are all different, which is one of the things that makes sexual discovery interesting.

Avoid Sexual ComparisonsIn North America, we put a premium on looking a certain way, and feeling like our bodies fit a certain image. This may be the worst waste of time and energy in our society (except for computer solitaire, which is probably a worse waste of time). Information on sexuality.about.com is meant only as a guide. You should read this and then compare it to how you feel. If it does not apply, then ignore it. If you can use some of the information, that is great. Try to avoid using this information to make yourself feel bad because what your body is like does not match the pictures on this site.

Become Your Own Sex Expert

It is an old but true cliché that you have the ability to know more about your body than anyone else. You can be your own best expert. As you seek out information, help and support for expanding your sexuality, the goal should always be to know yourself more and better. But make sure that it is on your own terms.

Hundreds -- probably thousands -- of people call themselves “sex experts” and are waiting to tell you the right way to have sex, to be sexy, even to think about sex. There may be something to learn from what some of these people say, but be wary of the experts who claim to have answers for you. Exploring sexuality is a lifelong process, and finding answers that have meaning for you can only happen when you are fully engaged in asking the questions and seeking the answers. There are few quick solutions and short cuts, and it’s not the kind of club where you can use someone else’s membership to get inside.

Explore More!

Explore Female Sexual Anatomy

Explore Male Sexual Anatomy

Explore Safer Sex Explore Contraception

Explore Sex Toys

Explore Sexual Communication

Explore Erotic Movies

http://sexuality.about.com

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Romance and Lifelong Intimacy

by James Dobson, Ph.D.

It is essential to cultivate a sense of romance if intimacy is to flourish in a marriage. But romance between a husband and wife is precarious. Like the flame of a lone candle burning in the wind, it can easily flicker and die. Your "flame" must be tended with the greatest of care — on Valentine's Day and every other day of the year.

"My Lover Is Mine and I Am His"

The word romance conjures up different images for each of us, and our expectations of what constitutes a romantic relationship also vary. Women are inclined to describe romance as the things their mate does to make them feel loved, protected, and respected. Wives, especially those married to busy husbands, crave the excitement of romantic encounters. They long for "some enchanted evening, across a crowded room." Flowers, compliments, nonsexual touching, and love notes are all steps in this direction. So is helping out at home. A man who shares in the duties of cooking, cleaning, and picking up the kids after basketball practice is much more likely to win the affection of his wife.

Men, on the other hand, rely more on their senses in the area of romance. They appreciate a wife who makes herself as attractive to him as possible. A man wants to be respected — and even better, admired — by his wife. He likes to hear his wife express genuine interest in his opinions, hobbies, and work.

Though romance can mean vastly different things to each of us, for most the word describes that wonderful feeling of being noticed, wanted, and pursued — of being at the very center of our lover's attention. Typically, most couples maintain this sense of romance throughout their courtship and at least through the newlywed phase of marriage. As the years go by and new duties and responsibilities pile on, however, that romantic feeling all too often begins to fade.

The Thrill of the Chase

Whether a few days, weeks, or months after the wedding, something begins to happen to "that lovin' feeling." A man and woman just seem to lose the wind in their romantic sails. It does not always occur, but too often it does.

Their plight reminds me of seamen back in the days of wooden vessels. Sailors in that era had much to fear, including pirates, storms, and diseases. But their greatest fear was that the ship might encounter the Doldrums. The Doldrums was an area of the ocean near the equator characterized by calm and very light shifting winds. It could mean death for the entire crew. The ship's food and water supply would be exhausted as they drifted for days, or even weeks, waiting for a breeze to put them back on course.

Well, marriages that were once exciting and loving can also get caught in the romantic doldrums, causing a slow and painful death to the relationship. But it need not be so.
Recall for a moment the craziness of your dating days — the coy attitudes, the flirting, the fantasies, the chasing after the prize. As we moved from courtship to marriage, most of us felt we should grow up and leave the game-playing behind. But we may not have matured as much as we'd like to think.

In some ways, our romantic relationships will always bear some characteristics of adolescent sexuality. Adults still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable, excitement of the new and boredom with the old. Immature impulses are controlled and minimized in a committed relationship, of course, but they never fully disappear.

This could help you keep vitality in your marriage. When things have grown stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember some old tricks. How about. . .

• breakfast in bed?
• a kiss in the rain?
• reading those old love letters together?
• a night at a bed and breakfast?
• roasting marshmallows by an open fire?
• cooking a meal together that you've never tried before?
• a long-stem rose and a love note?

There are dozens of ways to fill the sails with wind once more.

Even when finances are tight, just being together with your partner can rekindle that lovin' feeling. All that is needed is a little effort and creative flair. Talk with your mate; ask him or her what would bring new interest and excitement to your marriage. Then enjoy together your own unique brand of romance.

Adapted from Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy by Dr. James Dobson, © 2005 by James Dobson, Inc. Published by Multnomah Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

http://www.family.org/marriage/A000001141.cfm

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Practical Sex Solutions

Practical Sex Solutions – a real-life "Better Sex" memo

Have you ever thought to yourself, "My sex life would be so much better if my partner was a just little more/less _________"? Yes, you have. It's happened. Human beings are all unique, with all sorts of physical and psychological variations that aren't always ideal for the ultimate sex life. Don't despair, however! Technology has brought us leaps and bounds forward in the search for sexual pleasure. Sex toys are no longer limited to cheap, plastic, phallic-shaped things. There is a wide variety of fun, useful products designed to improve our personal, loving sex lives and strengthen our relationships. So if the man of your dreams just happens to be a little under par in the size department, or you find yourself wanting more than he can give, it doesn't mean you can't have ultimately satisfying sex. Read on…

Problem 1: "He's too small"

There are a few solutions to this problem, if indeed this is a problem at all. Many men who are below average size-wise have learned to use other parts of their body to their partner's grateful benefit. But if his little guy just isn't satisfying you, there are quite a few things to try. First, try different positions: let him take you from behind while you squeeze your legs together, or lie on your back with your knees at your chest and your feet over his shoulders. These positions allow deeper penetration, tighten your vaginal canal and increase sensation for both of you. You can also have him try a penis enhancer. These come in all sizes and shapes to lengthen, thicken, support, and satisfy whatever need you both may have. Third, work your PC muscles. A good set of Smartballs, an updated version of Ben-Wa balls, will strengthen and tighten your internal muscles. With your vaginal muscles primed and toned, you'll be amazed at how much more you'll feel during sex.

Problem 2: "He's too big"

Sorry to disillusion you, guys, but bigger isn't always better. A huge member doesn't always guarantee pleasure; it can often cause pain for women with tight or short vaginal canals. The best solution to this problem is lots of foreplay! Spend lots of time getting her excited using your hands or mouth. When she's ready, slather on a healthy dollop of lubricant and ease in slowly. Silicone-based lubes tend to work best for easing the friction of a tight fit. If he's really long, try a set of penis donuts. These fit tightly at the base of the penis so he'll still receive stimulation, but they're wide enough keep him from going further in than she's comfortable with. Some positions to try: her on top, so she's in complete control of penetration and speed. Side-by-side also limits how deeply he can penetrate.

Problem 3: "He wants it all the time"

If your partner is always after you for sex, and you're never "in the mood," you may be setting yourself up for some serious long-term relationship problems. Try not to think of this as his problem; there are a number of solutions you can enact that can directly affect you. Some things to try: *Make sure you're keeping a healthy sleep schedule – Not enough sleep leads to a reduction in testosterone, the hormone that gives you a healthy libido. *Take active responsibility for your sex drive – Figure out what turns you on, don't leave it to your partner to guess. When you pinpoint what gets you in the mood, do it often, share it with your partner, whatever it takes to enjoy yourself. *Identify and work out issues with your body image – The better you feel about your body, the more likely you are to enjoy sex. This may require getting a gym membership or scheduling counseling. *Initiate sex, even if you're not in the mood – By taking the reigns, you take control of the situation, which can be a major turn-on for you. You don't even have to go all the way. Oral sex or even manual stimulation will make your partner equally grateful, and can rev up your own lagging libido. *Fantasize – Let your body and mind get in the mood without the pressure of having to perform or please someone else. Find a fun vibrator or other toy help you enjoy your alone time. The more you exercise your libido, the healthier it'll become.

Problem 4: "He doesn't want it as much as I do"

Biology has set us up for a cruel trick: as we age, a woman's sex drive goes up while a man's libido starts to fall behind. While many women fear this is because they have become less appealing to their partners, in most cases, this couldn't be further from the truth. Here are some things you can do to help yourself out: *Masturbate – When you need to take the edge off, close the door, turn on some music, and spend some quality time with your favorite rabbit vibrator. *Make sure it's sex you're after – Identify whether you're actually craving sex, or if you're looking for love, intimacy, affection, or a stress-reducer. There are other ways of receiving these without depending on sex. *Know your partner's appetites – Learn what turns him on and off. Explore all the options of the things they enjoy, broaden your repertoire of sexual knowledge, and be sure to mix it up. A simple sex swing can make your sex lives seem brand new again. *Utilize the quickie – Sex doesn't always have to be an hour-long excursion. Use lots of lubricant and make the most of whatever time you have.

Take an active role in improving your sexual happiness, and you'll find that you both benefit. Life changes over time, and your wants and needs will forwever be fluctuating, so be sure to communicate, work through whatever issues you may have together, and don't be afraid to try new things. Satisfaction comes to those who work at it!
By Lance Russell

from http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/5-3-2006-95110.asp

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